Narcissists can be charming. They appear sweet, charismatic, and confident. But behind the smile, they conceal their true intentions. A narcissist typically uses others to feel better about themselves. They need attention, adoration, and power. Most importantly, they love to exploit kind, strong, and successful people. They hold these people up as mirrors of their worth.
The narcissist slowly cracks that mirror, chipping away at your confidence. They turn your strengths into weaknesses. Your bright light becomes their shadow. Let’s take a look at how your strengths get twisted—and how to protect your mind.
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They Feed You Praise—Then Dunk You
Narcissists start out seeming amazed by you. They say they love your gifts. They praise and adore your kindness. Also, they are impressed by your accomplishments. But, soon enough, they feel threatened. Your strength only made them feel weak. So, they slowly look to dim your light. They tell you how great you are, then start mocking you.
They agree with you, then start doubting you. Or, they tell you how special you are, then make you feel completely average. Their compliments confuse you. You begin to question your worth.
Your self-assurance makes them feel threatened.
Narcissists cannot stand confident people. Your confidence makes it an issue for them. They want to be the smartest or strongest person in the room.
And they do these things:
They interrupt you when you’re talking. They nitpick every little mistake that you make. Also, they compete with you for your success. You will soon feel unsure. You will hold back from sharing your ideas. Or, you will feel you are “too much.” This is how they win.
Your empathy becomes a weapon against you.
Narcissists are attracted to empathetic people. Why? Because kind people are the ones who will continually give chances. You will always look for the meaning of their pain. You forgive easily. Also, you enjoy listening to their sad stories.
But they use your empathy against you. They blame your mistakes on you. They act like the victim (oftentimes, because they are the cause of your pain). Or, they make you feel guilty for setting up boundaries. All of this erodes your self-identity, and you begin to doubt your judgment.
Your Independence Poses a Threat to Their Control
Independence is not something that independent people require a constant reminder or praise for. They exist and think independently. That is a fact to a narcissist. The reason is that narcissists want to control how you feel and act. They will often make a show of being upset with your decisions to go somewhere or do something on your own. They will question why you desire to accomplish your goals or dreams.Also, they will undermine your independent efforts, which will stop you from growing. You will slowly stop doing the things that bring you pleasure and happiness, and will start looking for their approval, and the cycle of narcissistic control continues.
They Manipulate Your Words
The narcissist has a lot of experience in manipulating reality. They take your words and put them into their context and twist them. They turn the very good intentions you had around their opinions into an attack. Also, they use your comment as an insult when you provide feedback. Or they say that you are selfish when you enforce limits. Or they will disregard your perspective and make it so that you are usually the problem. They do all of this so that you start doubting yourself. You are kind of waiting to explain yourself over and over again, but they don’t listen.
Psychology: How Narcissists Create Self-Doubt
Psychologists talk about gaslighting.
Gaslighting is when you manipulate facts to make the other person feel confused.
Narcissists say things like:
“You are too sensitive.”
“You always overthink things.”
These lies make us feel disoriented. We start to question our recollection of events. “Maybe I am thinking wrong.” Or psychologist Dan E. Sweeney says, “You keep second-guessing who you are, even your memory, with gaslighting.” You constantly feel confused and drained by their way of twisting your understanding. In turn, you will start to erode your mental peace and peace. Over time, it will erode your self-esteem.
They Isolate You
Narcissists do not want other people to see the true person or reality. They want to control you, and to do that, they must first isolate us from support.
They will say that your friends are “jealous.” Also, they will complain about your family. Or, they will say that they “are the only one that cares” about you.
You start to feel alone.
You’ll rely on the narcissist more because you are isolated. This gives the narcissist an increase in power, which is what they want.
In the end, they want you to doubt everyone but them.
They Copy You and Then Compete with You
So, they begin by idolizing you and your unique talents. They copy you in certain ways: your clothes, your words, what you do. Then they want to be a bigger and better version of you.
They copy your ideas and just add a little twist of their own.
They take your work and say it is their work or project.
Also, they try to be better than you at your unique skills.
What used to make you proud now makes you tired. You refuse to celebrate yourself. You feel relatively defeated.
Psychology: The Reason Strong Individuals Attract Narcissists
According to experts, narcissists gravitate to stronger targets. They don’t pick weak ones. They like strong people who are smart, accomplished, or kind. Why? Because strong individuals fuel narcissists’ egos. Strong people make the narcissist look good. But sooner or later, the narcissist will start to feel small, and that is when the narcissist attacks. To feel good, they must tear others down. This cycle is not your fault; it’s their security, not your weakness.
How to Reclaim Your Strength
Yes, you can take your power back. It starts with awareness. Once you know the signs, you can protect yourself.
- Trust your instincts
If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Be mindful of your instincts. If it is uncomfortable for you, your feelings are valid. - Create firm boundaries
Say “no” without guilt. Don’t explain too much. It is your time; you can protect it. - Write things down
Document the event. When someone is gaslighting you, you need written facts to ground you. - Discuss it with supportive people
Don’t suffer alone. Get it out with someone you trust. Let your friend or family support you. - Get psychological help
A therapist can help understand that this is a pattern. It may help you to get used to your former and truer self.
You Are Not The Problem
The true intention of the narcissist is to diminish you to make themselves feel bigger. Remember, they are the problem–you are not. You are powerful. You are lovely. And, you are intelligent. These are not failings; these are all gifts. They did not like the brightness of your light, so they did everything possible to extinguish it. Well, while they may have done a good job at diminishing it, your light is still shining, and you can restore it.
Final Thoughts
Narcissists use mirrors instead of hearts to spread their fears around to others. They will get every advantage they can from your strengths and your goodness. But once you see the mirror, you can break that magic spell they have over you. The truth is, your strengths are still your strengths. Your mind can heal. Your heart can get stronger. You can learn to trust yourself again.
You do not need to shrink down. also, you do not need to be agreeable. All you need to do is protect your peace.
