Relationships suffer not only through actions. Often the biggest enemy is at work in your mind. Self-talk creates your behavior with those you love. Allah reminds us, “Indeed, Allah will not change the condition of a people until they change what is in themselves” (Surah Ar-Ra’d 13:11). Meaning your inner world always reigns over your outer world. When you’re inner conversation is not healthy, your relationship is very likely to suffer tremendously.
1. “I am not enough.”
This dialogue creates insecurity and doubt. A person with this inner voice is less able to trust that a compliment is sincere, always expecting rejection; wants closeness but cannot risk asking for closeness because they need it, and will act in ways to create that closeness, but will start more and more to “need” it.This inhibition, over time, weakens trust and closeness. Psychology offers support for this as well. Dr. Aaron Beck discovered that personal belief in self-negativity increases relational stress.
To repair or change this voice, affirm you’re worth every day. Allah has honored all humanity. The Qur’an says: “We have surely honored the children of Adam” (Surah Al-Isra 17:70). Change the belief of “I am not enough” to, “Allah has valued me.” Practicing gratitude also bolsters An Islamic example is Umar ibn al-Khattab (RA). After he accepted Islam, he changed drastically in his self-talk. He began to see himself as worthy of Allah’s mercy. This new thought, along with his strong character, made him a fair and loving leader.
2. “They will leave me one day.
This mentality created a fear of being left. This fear makes a person jealous, possessive, and suspicious. They want to check phones, believe in betrayal, and overanalyze messages. Love gradually feels like suffocation instead of freedom. This is an example of attachment theory which is studied by psychologists. The anxious attachment has developed because people with an anxious attachment fear the loss of love and ironically they push them away.
The first step must be to develop trust. Replace fear with trust in Allah’s plans. Allah is Al-Wakeel (The Trustee). If your relationship is written for you – then nothing will take it away. If it is not written for you – then no amount of love, force or holding tighter will still make it. This trust in Allah creates space to breathe. If love is not pursued, it will never be chased; love will be cultivated.
3. “I must always be right.”
This inner dialogue serves ego. It causes people to argue till the end of time, “You’re wrong,” is a correction, which feels like an attack, harmony becomes distance, partners stop listening, and love fades into disrespect. In psychology research by Dr. John Gottman, he found that contempt and defensiveness are the best predictors of divorce and the “always right” mindset reinforces both.
The Qur’an is very clear in the praise of humility. “And the servants of the Most Merciful are those who walk upon the earth easily, and when the ignorant address them [harshly], they say [words of] peace,” (Surah Al-Furqan 25:63). Abu Bakr (RA) shared a beautiful story. One time he had to argue with a companion and after his shouting, he had regret, and he went immediately to find forgiveness. His humility was a commitment to saving the bond, proving that peace is much more than pride.
4. “If they really loved me, why didn’t they just know what I wanted?”
This voice expects mind-reading from others. If you are not able to ‘guess’ their needs, the reaction is the feeling of not being loved. Silent resentments amassed. Small disappointments became walls impenetrable by a complete stranger. This is supported in the psychology field, unspoken expectations are often the source of conflict, while present expectations grow love. The solution is expression. Instead of “they should know,” let’s change the voice to “I will express kindly.” The Prophet (ﷺ) valued clarity. As he said, “Whosoever he who believes in Allah and the Last Day, let him say what is good or keep silent.” (Bukhari, Muslim). Speaking needs with kindness is a Sunnah. Resentful silence only poisons the heart.
Aisha (RA) shared how she felt with the Prophet (ﷺ). Rather than assume he was guessing her feelings, she spoke out loud.
Read more: The Truth About Mental Therapy’s Success
5. “I can never forgive them.”
This kind of internal talk builds up walls of bitterness. Grudges poison our hearts, everything is much heavier when we do not forgive. Eventually, we place emotional distance between ourselves and love. Psychology would tell you the same. Research from Dr. Everett Worthington informs us that forgiveness even makes emotional and physical wellbeing better than bearing grudges, those with grudges have increased stress.
To overcome this you must replace one’s resentment with mercy. Forgiveness grants you Allah’s forgiveness. The Qur’an states “Pardon and overlook. Would you not like that Allah should forgive you?” (Surah An-Nur 24:22). Forgiveness does not mean that you accept harm. Forgiveness is freeing yourself from chains of hatred.
The Prophet (ﷺ) demonstrated this in the conquest of Makkah. “No blame will there be upon you today.” His mercy melted hatred into loyalty.
Inner Dialogue and its Psychology
Both Islam and psychology convey the same reality. Inner voices influence feelings, and feelings modulate actions. A healed inner state supports peaceful relationships. A wounded inner state distributes pain into every connection. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) builds on this. When our inner dialogue changes, our outer behavior also changes.
Conclusion
However, both Islam and psychology offer ways to heal. By recognizing self-worth, building trust with Allah, choosing to have compassion, stating needs, and forgiving, we can restore a relationship.
The Prophet Muhammad (ﷺ) said: “Verily, in the body there is a piece of flesh, which, if it is good, the whole body is good. If it is corrupt, the whole body is corrupt. Verily, it is the heart.” (Bukhari, Muslim). The temporal healing journey begins with the heart. Fix the inner conversation. Heal the heart. Relationships can then grow with peace, mercy, and love.
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